


April's Fool

by 2nd_Tech_AJ_Rimmer (TheCowboyArtHistorian)



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-02
Updated: 2019-04-02
Packaged: 2019-12-31 21:45:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18322550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheCowboyArtHistorian/pseuds/2nd_Tech_AJ_Rimmer
Summary: April Fool's Day inspired madness. This is My first RD fic. Hope you guys enjoy.





	April's Fool

It started as any ordinary morning. If one could consider half one the morning that is. Lister awoke from his heavy alcohol induced slumber to the sound of Rimmer pacing about the room. He couldn't really make out what Rimmer was muttering about under his breath nor did he particularly care to. Instead he decided that if the fussy hologram had this amount of energy he might as well put it to good use.

 

“Hey, Rimmer. Can ya pause your pacing for a mo and fetch me a glass of water?” 

 

Rimmer screeched to a halt and whipped his head around to face Lister. Hazel eyes widening in alarm. “Sorry, I didn't realize you were awake, Lister.” 

 

Lister knew the chances of Rimmer actually complying with his request were slimmer than the filling of an overpriced sandwich on the luxury deck but figured he might as well try his luck. Needless to say he was rather shocked when Rimmer quietly went over to the sink and dutifully returned with a glass of water. 

 

“Ta.” Lister said simply. Then popped a couple of painkillers followed by a generous swig of water. It might've been a figment of Lister’s hungover brain but he could've sworn Rimmer's eyes zeroed in on his throat as he swallowed before nervously darting away.

 

Lister sat up and stretched. Joints cracking with the motion. He blearily rubbed at his eyes and paused. Rimmer was still standing there beside his bunk. Perfectly still save for his jittering leg. “You ok, man?”

 

Rimmer abruptly snapped out of the trance he seemed to have fallen in. “I...erm. Yes! Of course. Absolutely splendid. One hundred percent tickety boo!” His manickly bouncing leg seemed to insist otherwise. 

 

Lister smiled at him fondly. When had he developed such a soft spot for this man who had more neuroses than a psychology major's textbook. “Perhaps I could've phrased that better. Is there somethin on your mind?” 

 

Rimmer gasped and twitched slightly. “No!” He said reflexively then glanced about in a way that would suggest he feared Lister might've managed to read his thoughts somehow. “Why do you ask..” 

 

Lister rolled his eyes but couldn't help grinning at him. “No reason in particular. You just seem stressed is all.” 

 

Rimmer stiffened his posture and folded his arms across his chest. “Now, Lister. I'll have you know that I am perfectly relaxed. Kryten ran a medical on me just yesterday and said my stress levels have dropped down to that of a pilot who's lost both engines and is about to collide with a blimp.” 

 

Lister raised his eyebrows in incredulity. “That bad, eh?” 

 

Rimmer grinned at him with a manic cheerfulness. “Bad? It's great! That's a decrease of eighty percent!”

 

“Damn.” Lister muttered. It was a miracle the man hadn't dropped dead yet...in a manner of speaking anyways.

 

Lister figured that Rimmer would take full advantage of the change in topic to avoid bringing up whatever thing seemed to be plaguing his mind. Rimmer was full of surprises today however. 

 

“Listy--  _ Lister _ . There's erm..” Rimmer cleared his throat nervously then rapidly added, “--something I need to tell you.” 

 

Lister nodded and waited patiently. Instead of speaking Rimmer seemed frozen in place. That nervous deer in the headlights stare from earlier returning. Finally Lister grew impatient. Rimmer's fidgeting helping to increase the dull headache from his hangover. “Well go on, man.”

 

Rimmer gulped audibly, leg thudding the floor like a jackhammer. “I...how do I say this..” He looked away and fingered the curls at the nape if his neck. “I have come to the shocking realization that...I have feelings for you.” 

 

Rimmer said the last bit so fast that it took Lister a moment to register what he'd said. He chuckled. “Course ya do smeghead.” Rimmer looked up at him startled but Lister continued undauntedly. “Annoyance, frustration, repulsion..” Lister counted off on his fingers. 

 

Rimmer's brows furrowed and he almost looked a bit sheepish. “Well yes. I suppose you are correct. There's all those feelings of course but…” A flush formed on his pale cheeks and he developed a sudden interest in his shoes. “There's other ones too.”

 

Lister paused to regard Rimmer who had grown noticeably quiet. He was still staring at his boots that were immaculately polished. In fact, Rimmer’s entire form seemed to be spotless which was impressive considering his already obsessive fastidiousness. Lister considered this for a moment, along with the fact that Rimmer's face was currently beat red. His foggy brain carefully slotted the pieces into place. 

 

“You mean  _ feelings _ , feelings?!” Lister sat up straight and stared at the top of the hologram's curly head. “As in romantic like?” 

 

“I was hoping I wouldn't have to spell it out.” Rimmer muttered. Blush growing deeper by the minute. 

 

Lister shook his head in disbelief. Surely he must be dreaming. He discreetly pinched himself to check and winced at the pain. 

 

“I don't know what to say, man.” Lister said when he could manage a response.

 

“You don't have to say anything now.. I'm sure you need time to think about it.” Rimmer blurted out nervously, rubbing his neck again. “Perhaps we could discuss it more tonight...over dinner?” 

 

Lister's dark eyes widened and he blinked a few times. “Are you askin me out...on a date?!” 

 

Rimmer’s face grew adorably bashful. Looking every bit like a nervous teenager asking his crush out. “That's the idea, yes.” 

 

Lister shook his head then stopped when the throbbing intensified. As crazy as this all was, he was rather intrigued. He hadn't been on a date in...ages. Several millennia to be exact. “Sure man. Why not.”

 

Rimmer stared at him in disbelief for a moment, then regained his composure. “Splendid! I'll meet you at Parrots. Eight pm sharp.” With that Rimmer turned on his heel and left. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


Several hours later, Lister emerged from the shower whistling a merry tune to himself. He rifled through his closet and fetched the tuxedo he'd worn for Kryten's ‘going away party’. It smelled a bit musty but nothing a bit of cologne wouldn't fix. He was rather surprised by how much he was looking forward to his date later. After all, when was the last time he'd been looking forward to well...anything? 

 

After dressing himself Lister sat in front of the mirror and started neatening his hair a bit. He glanced at his wrist and realized he'd left his watch in the bathroom. “Time please, Hol.”

 

“Sure thing, Dave.” The computer’s nasally voice droned. An image of the ship's time appeared on the mirror next to his reflection.

 

Lister glanced at the time. Quarter past seven. He still had some time to spare. His eyes traveled down to the day's date beneath and his heart froze. First of April. 

 

Lister's comb fell out of his hand and hit the floor with a clatter. Suddenly it all made sense. A smegging April Fool's prank. He should've known.   
  
Lister felt foolish and a bit embarrassed. Who would've thought he'd fall for something like that so easily.  Rimmer the man who kept a neatly written list of all the things he despised about _grubby space bum_ _Lister_ suddenly confessing that he’s in love with him? Lister blinked rapidly and realized his eyes were wet. 

 

“Damn that man.” Lister exclaimed. Pounding the table with his fist. Well that's just fine. He thought to himself, reaching for his comb. If that was the little bastard's game then he could play along. Lister took a deep breath and put the finishing touches on his appearance.    
  


  
  
  
  
  


They had a pleasant enough time at dinner. Lister made sure to give Rimmer the most adoring looks the entire time, acting completely smitten. 

 

“This roast is amazing, Luv.” Lister said, moaning around a piece in his mouth. It actually was rather good but that was beside the point. 

 

Rimmer blushed and fidgeted a bit in his seat. “I'm glad to hear it. It’s a traditional Ionian recipe.” He glanced down shyly and pushed a potato around with his fork. “I made it myself.. With Kryten's help.” He quickly amended. 

 

Lister looked up in genuine surprise. “Wait-- You made this?” He mumbled around a mouthful of food, a few crumbs tumbling out. 

 

Rimmer suppressed a grimace and instead gently patted Lister's mouth with a napkin. “Yes.” His hazel eyes grew soft in the candlelight. “You know it's always been a dream of mine..” He trailed off for a moment, setting the napkin down and placing his hand on Lister's cheek. “To have someone to cook for.” 

 

Lister smiled and leaned into Rimmer's touch. Feeling blissfully at ease for a change. Then he caught sight of his reflection in Rimmer’s champagne glass. The mirror, the clock, of course. This was all part of the facade. Rimmer was making sure he would be properly wined and dined and giddy. Bring him to the precipice of happiness only to sneer and push him over the edge.  _ April Fools, Listy! You think I'd be in love with a grotty little smegger like you?  _

 

Lister reached under the table and grasped Rimmer's thigh, eliciting a soft gasp from the bashful hologram. Fall he might but Lister wouldn't shatter into pieces at the bottom. He was prepared. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


To his surprise the moment never came during dinner. Afterwards via Rimmer’s suggestion, they headed up to the observation deck for a bit.    
  
Once they arrived, Rimmer crowded into Lister's space. Leaning in close until their noses were touching. Here it comes Lister thought to himself. The cruel mocking and rejection. What he didn't expect was Rimmer's lips pressing softly against his.    
  
Lister let Rimmer kiss him for a moment until he couldn't take it anymore. He angrily shoved Rimmer away. "Cut it out, man! That's enough."   
  
Rimmer blinked in surprise then quickly shrank back. "I'm sorry, Listy. I thought--"   
  
"Ya thought what? That it would be a good ol laugh on grotty scouse, Lister? Is that what you thought?" Lister shouted. Grasping the flowers Rimmer had given him so tightly that some of the stems snapped.    
  
Rimmer's eyes widened and he took another step back only to bump into the wall. He was taken aback by Lister's anger. Things had been going so well up until a moment ago. What had he done now? "I'm sorry but I don't think I understand what you mean.."    
  
Lister glared at him, blinking back tears. "You really expect me to believe all that smeg you said back there.” He sniffed, holding back a sob. “Believe that out of all the smeggin days in the year, you randomly chose today to ask me out on a date."    
  
Rimmer furrowed his brows in confusion. "What's wrong with today?"    
  
Rimmer's innocent act was infuriatingly believable and it only served to frustrate Lister more and more by the moment. "Ya know what? That's fine. Play your little games.” He yelled, voice starting to crack. 

 

“But just so ya know, I'm not in love with ya either!" Lister closed his eyes and took a steadying breath. Oh how he wished that were true. Lister looked back up at Rimmer and shoved the battered bouquet into the shocked hologram's hands. "April Fools!"    
  


  
  
  
  
  


Lister stormed out of the room and down the stairs. Tears streaming down his face. He started to make his way to the bunkroom but decided to grab a lager instead. As Lister made his way to the bar he spied Kryten clearing away their dishes.    
  
"Did you two enjoy your dinner, sir?" Kryten asked. Rather surprised to see Lister having returned alone and in such a distressed state.    
  
Lister cracked open a can and fixed the mechanoid with a venomous glare. "Don't tell me you're in on it too."   
  
"Whatever do you mean, sir?" Kryten asked in confusion as he set down the dishes he'd been collecting.    
  
"I bet ya know exactly what I mean.” Lister sneered. Suddenly he felt like he was eight years old again, arguing with the neighborhood bullies who had stolen and hidden his only pair of shoes. “This whole elaborate prank Rimmer pulled to trick me into thinkin he's in love with me."    
  
Kryten studied him carefully. Likely trying to analyze the situation in his head. "And why would he do that, sir?"   
  
"Why not? He's a smeghead." Lister grumbled sullenly. Taking a generous swig of alcohol. "Besides. It's April Fool's Day innit?"    
  
Kryten frowned. "I maintain that I don't understand why Mr. Rimmer sir would do that." At Lister's sour expression, Kryten held up a hand and continued. "Not because he's not a  _ smee heee _ because he most certainly is.” Kryten’s expression briefly grew annoyed before he resumed his explanation, “--but because April Fool's Day is strictly an Earth tradition. It doesn't exist on Io."    
  
Lister was mid swig and started choking on his drink. Finally when he'd caught his breath, he slammed the now empty can on the table. "Oh smeeg." He shook his head slowly in disbelief. "What have I done."

  
  
  
  
  
  


To be continued. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you're enjoying my first RD fic! Im going to add a resolution chapter soon. Comments and kudos are greatly appreciated! I accept constructive criticism as well but no hate please. 
> 
> -A.J.


End file.
